Uhmm.

Definitely finding it increasingly difficult to be happy with the people currently in my life. Ready to move forward.

Contradiction

I hate, and yet appreciate at the same time, when someone says something to you about your life and it is so dead on and truthful. Brutal honesty. I want to tell myself that at some point I will be right about what it is I think and feel, but the fact is, is that I will never be right about it. The value of someones words in my head are weighed carefully by proximity. It becomes progressively difficult to argue or disagree with direct relation.

I want to sometimes kick and scream about what is in my head, but find myself rationalizing the uselessness of doing so considering it does not change a thing.

I guess I am starting to understand the insignificance of everything. The things I say and do in relation to my thoughts and feelings about lost opportunities. I would be lying to say that I don't give up on things in general, because I know I have forfeited a lot of things in my life that should have been paid more attention to, but I rarely ever give up on people. I am afraid now that if I don't, I will subject my mind to a considerable amount of disappointment.

At some point I will succeed in determining the significance of people in my life and conclude, for the sake of sanity, that they really don't mean that much. Do I really have much choice? I will of course take into consideration the things I have learned and the things experienced, and shape my decisions in my life with acknowledgment of the past, but far be it from me to try and make something of nothing anymore.

I need to listen to the people around me, to my head and not my heart, and ultimately make amends with the idea that a people are just like everything else in life, they come and go, and no matter how hard you try or how much you want it, you can't change the direction they are going.

It seems unfair right now, but what really is there to do. It's only left to hope that someone else will come along and the story will change. A new friend. A new lover. A new life. A new song. A new chapter.

I can only imagine that the words to this song will continue to have significance for people I have lost and maybe people I will lose. I appreciate the words no matter the association.

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.